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The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

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If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

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Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

If a man does his best, what else is there?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

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A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

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My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

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Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

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Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

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Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

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A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

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There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

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When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

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Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

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Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

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I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

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If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

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Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

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When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

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I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

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It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

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God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

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When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

I am glad you said that?!?

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Stacey, rofl!!!

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

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That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

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The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

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Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

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A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

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What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

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It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

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I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

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University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

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Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

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Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

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Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

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